"Good
Christians" INSIST God said: |
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"Good
Christians" insist God MEANT: |
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And God spoke all these words,
saying: "I am the LORD your God, who
brought you out of the land of Egypt, out
of the house of bondage."
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And God spoke all these
words, saying: "I am the LORD your
God, who always likes you best, who knows
you're the only one who really understands
Me.
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| 1.
"You shall have no other gods before
Me." |
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1.
"You shall have no other gods before
Me, but having other gods beside Me is okay
as long as said gods are red, white [My
favorite color], and blue. Or pure gold." |
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| 2.
"You shall not make for yourself a
carved image, or any likeness of anything
that is in heaven above, or that is in the
earth beneath, or that is in the water under
the earth; you shall not bow down to them
nor serve them." |
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2.
"I
know much about art, and you shall know
what I like! You shall remind all who's
The Creative One around here, and cater
to My personal tastes. Christ on a cross
pleases Me. You shall use My discretion
when it comes to carvings and likenesses
and such." |
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| 3.
"You shall not take the name of the
LORD your God in vain, for the LORD will
not hold him guiltless who takes His name
in vain." |
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3.
"You shall not take the name of the
LORD your God in vain, but the LORD will
hold him guiltless who uses His name in
advertising, politics, war, and other of
His errands." |
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| 4.
"Remember the Sabbath day, to keep
it holy. Six days you shall labor and do
all your work, but the seventh day is the
Sabbath of the LORD your God. In it you
shall do no work: you, nor your son, nor
your daughter, nor your male servant, nor
your female servant, nor your cattle, nor
your stranger who is within your gates." |
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4.
"Remember the Sabbath day, to keep
it holy for My teams. Six days you shall
labor and do all your work, but the seventh
day is the Sabbath of the LORD your God.
In it you shall do no work: you, nor your
son [unless the remote is broken], nor your
daughter [unless it's a play-off and your
wife needs help in the kitchen], nor your
stranger whose beer is within your fridge." |
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| 5.
"Honor your father and your mother,
that your days may be long upon the land
which the LORD your God is giving you." |
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5.
"Honor your father and your mother,
that your days of paying no rent nor doing
your own laundry may be long upon the land
which the LORD your God is giving you." |
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6.
"You shall not kill." |
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6.
"You shall not kill unless certain
it is My wish." |
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| 7.
"You shall not commit adultery." |
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7.
"You shall not commit adultery unless
taken for granted and/or misunderstood." |
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| 8.
"You shall not steal." |
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8.
"You shall not steal [taking something
you know I'd want you to have is not, technically,
'stealing']." |
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| 9.
"You shall not bear false witness against
your neighbor." |
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9.
"You shall not bear false witness against
your neighbor until your neighbor crosseth
My line." |
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| 10.
"You shall not covet your neighbor's
house; you shall not covet your neighbor's
wife, nor his male servant, nor his female
servant, nor his ox, nor
his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor's." |
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10.
"You shall not covet your neighbor's
house; you shall not covet your neighbor's
wife, nor his male servant, nor his female
servant, nor his ox, nor
his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor's.
You shall get a better house, a hotter wife,
and, by the time you read this, you shall
know that oxen and donkeys are for losers." |
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